George Carlin, fully George Denis Patrick Carlin

Carlin, fully George Denis Patrick Carlin

American Stand-up Comedian, Social Critic, Actor, and Author, won five Grammy Awards for his Comedy Albums

Author Quotes

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

Why do they call one sport "women's tennis" and then turn around and call the other one "ladies' golf"?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

You can’t argue with a good blowjob.

You know what, I said it this way: when you're born in this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. And when you're born in America, you're given a front row seat. And some of us get to sit there with notebooks. And I'm a notebook kind of guy: [pretends to be writing] "Oh, my God, did you see that? Did you see what he just did?..." And I watch the freak show, and I kept my notes, and I make up stuff about it, and I talk about the freaks. And the freaks are all humans, and they are all like me, and we are all the same. I'm not better, I'm not different, I'm just apart now. I'm separate, I'm over here, because I put myself out of the mix. I don't have a stake at the outcome. I'm not a cheerleader for a given outcome now.

When I'm really bored, I sit home and translate the writing on foreign biscuits.

When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why is there no blue food? I can't find blue food - I can't find the flavor of blue! I mean, green is lime; yellow is lemon; orange is orange; red is cherry; what's blue? There's no blue! Oh, they say, "Blueberries!" Uh-uh; blue on the vine, purple on the plate. There's no blue food! Where is the blue food? We want the blue food! Probably in stores immortality! They're keeping it from us!

You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

You know what's fun? Go to a German restaurant and insist on using chopsticks.

What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

When it comes to BULLSHIT...BIG-TIME, MAJOR LEAGUE BULLSHIT... you have to stand IN AWE, IN AWE of the all time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion.

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.

Why do they put a suicide watch on certain death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you're planning to kill kills himself? Does it spoil the fun?

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with.

You can't have it both ways. That depends on how intimately you know the other person… if you've got a little time, you can probably have it six or seven ways.

You know what's good about being in your sixties? Your children are in their forties, so you don't have to worry about child molesters anymore. Unless, of course, one of your forty-year-old children is a child molester.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

When it comes to God’s existence, I’m not an atheist and I’m not an agnostic. I’m an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.

When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Why was brown excluded from the rainbow? And where did indigo come from? I was taught there were three primary colors and three secondary colors? What's with this indigo shit?

You know a phrase I never understand? King size. It's used to denote something larger, but most of the kings you see are short. You ever notice that? Usually a king is a short little fat guy. You never see a tall king.

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Carlin, fully George Denis Patrick Carlin
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American Stand-up Comedian, Social Critic, Actor, and Author, won five Grammy Awards for his Comedy Albums