Great Throughts Treasury

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."

"A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once."

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."

"Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out."

"I admit I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away."

"Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance? "

"I was born at home on newspapers... I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger."

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. "

"If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door, greet them with, "Who could have done this? We have no enemies.""

"I'm at the age where my back goes out more than I do."

"I asked the waiter "Is this milk fresh?" He said, "Lady, three hours ago it was grass.""

"I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned."

"I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night - and reduce the crime rate."

"My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor."

"I've buried a lot of my laundry in the back yard. "

"Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going."

"We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought."

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."

"Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age -- as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight."

"Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run."

"You know you're getting old when your back starts going out more than you do."

"My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking."

"My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me."

"Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves."

"They just elected me Miss Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!"

"My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. "

"You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type."

"You know you're old if your walker has an airbag."

"It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge."

"My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee."

"I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? "

"Fang drops so much food on his ties we keep them in the refrigerator."

"A musician may suddenly reach a point at which pleasure in the technique of art entirely falls away, and in some moment of inspiration, he becomes the instrument through which music is played. "

"Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards. "

"The only parts left of my original body are my elbows."

"Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off."

"My husband once worked for a company that had a merit pay system. After six months they told him that he owed the company money."

"You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!"

"The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can''t see him laughing."