Great Throughts Treasury

"My father...one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time."

"My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?"

"My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies."

"Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned."

"Never give a sucker an even break."

"Never mind what I told you - you do as I tell you."

"Never try to impress a woman. Because if you do she'll expect you to keep up to the standard for the rest of your life. And the pace, my friends, is devastating."

"No doubt exists that all women are crazy, it's only a question of degree."

"No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, by making a dog play dead."

"No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men."

"Now don't say you can't swear off drinking, it's easy. I've done it a thousand times."

"Of course, now I touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk."

"Of one detested doctor, Fields said he was a servant of humanity...who had done really brilliant work in isolating fees."

"On trekking abroad: I lost my corkscrew and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days."

"Once during Prohibition I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water."

"Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night"

"Prayers never bring anything . . . They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas."

"Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol."

"Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream."

"Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water."

"Room service - don’t send up any more ice."

"Roomservice, Roomservice, don't send up any more ice."

"Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water."

"Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that? WC: He'd think I was a sissy."

"Secretary: "It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law." WC: "Yes it is, very hard. It's almost impossible.""

"Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch."

"Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it."

"She's all dressed up like a well-kept grave."

"Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil."

"Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink."

"Some contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch."

"Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it."

"Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch."

"Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!"

"Speakin' of the city, it ain't no place for women, gal, but perty men go thar."

"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."

"Sucker: Is this a game of chance? WC: Not the way I play it, no."

"Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!"

"The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."

"The best thing to break is a contract."

"The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath."

"The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart."

"The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it."

"The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't."

"The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves."

"The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price--twenty-five cents."

"The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies."

"The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother."

"The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache."

"The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature...no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike."