Great Throughts Treasury

"I just listen. Sitting here in the morning, eyes closed"

"I knew as I was agreeing that it wasn?t a good idea. What I know about Scott, from the papers, is almost nothing. What I know from my own observations, I don?t really know. I don?t know anything about Scott. I know things about Jason ? who, I have to keep reminding myself, doesn?t exist. All I know for sure ? for absolutely certain ? is that Scott?s wife has been missing for a week. I know that he is probably a suspect. And I know, because I saw that kiss, that he has a motive to kill her."

"I just had to hope that one day we would have the money, and in the meantime I had to bite back the tears that came, hot and fast, every time I saw a stranger with a bump, every time I heard someone else?s happy news."

"I just don't know whether he's the condemned man or the executioner."

"I know is, one minute I?m ticking along fine and life is sweet and I want for nothing, and the next I can?t wait to get away, I?m all over the place, slipping and sliding again."

"I know that I?m going to be better, that I?m going to be happy. It won?t be long."

"I lay there and I thought of what that teacher said, and of all the things I?d been: child, rebellious teenager, runaway, whore, lover, bad mother, bad wife. I?m not sure if I can remake myself as a good wife, but a good mother?that I have to try."

"I like trains, and what?s wrong with that? Trains are wonderful."

"I might never have the courage to say the words out loud, I might lose them altogether, they might stick in my throat and choke me in my sleep."

"I liked my job, but I didn?t have a glittering career, and even if I had, let?s be honest: women are still only really valued for two things?their looks and their role as mothers. I?m not beautiful, and I can?t have kids, so what does that make me? Worthless."

"I miss being a mistress. I enjoyed it. I loved it, in fact. I never felt guilty. I pretended I did. I had to, with my married girlfriends, the ones who live in terror of the pert au pair or the pretty, funny girl in the office who can talk about football and spends half her life in the gym. I had to tell them that of course I felt terrible about it, of course I felt bad for his wife, I never meant for any of this to happen, we fell in love, what could we do? The truth is, I never felt bad for Rachel... She just wasn?t real to me, and anyway, I was enjoying myself too much. Being the other woman is a huge turn-on, there?s no point denying it: you?re the one he can?t help but betray his wife for, even though he loves her. That?s just how irresistible you are."

"I once read a book by a former alcoholic where she described giving oral sex to two different men, men she'd just met in a restaurant on a busy London high street. I read it and thought, I'm not that bad. This is where the bar is set."

"I need to find something that I must do, something undeniable."

"I never could understand that it is possible that one misses something he did not have before and that it resides in mourning"

"I quit! I feel so much better, as if anything is possible. I?m free!"

"I remember an argument, right at the end, when things were about as bad as they could be; he lost his temper with me. What happened to you, Rachel? he asked me. When did you become so weak? I don?t know. I don?t know where that strength went, I don?t remember losing it. I think that over time it got chipped away, bit by bit, by life, by the living of it."

"I sit there on the floor with the picture in front of me and think about how things get broken all the time by accident, and how sometimes you just don't get round to getting them fixed."

"I see them as others do not; even their owners probably don?t see them from this perspective."

"I told him I loved him and I felt every muscle in his body tense, as if he knew what was coming and was bracing himself for it. You do, don?t you, when someone tells you they love you like that. I love you, I do, but . . . But."

"I sit up, eyes wide, and see something moving in the corner of the room, a dense center of blackness that keeps growing, and I almost cry out?and then I?m properly awake and there?s nothing there, but I am sitting up in bed and my cheeks are wet with tears"

"I understand what it means emptiness. I'm starting to think that it cannot fill anything in principle. My psychotherapeutic sessions have taught me one thing: the gap in life forever. We must learn to grow, enveloping them like plants, stems entwine concrete structure. These holes form a human personality. I know that now, but do not say it out loud, at least now."

"I stop at the corner and peer into the underpass. That smell of cold and damp always sends a little shiver down my spine, it?s like turning over a rock to see what?s underneath: moss and worms and earth. It reminds me of playing in the garden as a child, looking for frogs by the pond with Ben. I walk on. The street is clear ? no sign of Tom or Anna ? and the part of me that can?t resist a bit of drama is actually quite disappointed."

"I want to call her back and ask her, What does it feel like, Anna, to live in my house, surrounded by the furniture I bought, to sleep in the bed that I shared with him for years, to feed your child at the kitchen table he fucked me on?"

"I want to drag knives over my skin, just so that I can feel something other than shame, but I'm not even brave enough to do that."

"I was a drinker anyway?I?ve always liked to drink. But I did become sadder, and sadness gets boring after a while, for the sad person and for everyone around them. And then I went from being a drinker to being a drunk, and there?s nothing more boring than that."

"I want to say something to him, but the words keep evaporating, vanishing off my tongue before I have the chance to say them. I can taste them, but I can't tell if they are sweet or sour."

"I wake abruptly, my breath jagged and heart racing, my mouth stale, and I know immediately that?s it. I?m awake. The more I want to be oblivious, the less I can be. Life and light will not let me be."

"I was right, I knew I was, but it won?t do me any good to say it. I enjoy my victory silently; I take pleasure in it almost as much as in his touch."

"I will not go back to sleep, I sleep in my heart will not wildly in my chest, it hurts me."

"I went from being a drinker to being a drunk, and there?s nothing more boring than that."

"I will get up early on Saturday to clean. She says it?s cathartic, it sets her up for a good weekend, and because she cleans the house aerobically, it means she doesn?t have to go to the gym."

"I watch him come, I watch him, and I don?t move until he?s almost upon me, and then I swing. I jam the vicious twist of the corkscrew into his neck."

"I?m playing at real life instead of actually living it."

"I?m starting to see what he must have seen in her. What he must have loved."

"I?d never realized, not until the last year or two of my life, how shaming it is to be pitied."

"I will not lie to pretend that I am a nice, even if I tried."

"I?m not even that upset about the rejection any more. What bothers me most is that I haven?t got to the end of my story, and I can?t start over with someone else, it?s too hard."

"I?m almost at the station, just passing the Crown, when I feel a hand on my arm and I wheel around, slipping off the pavement and into the road."

"I?m going to tell the truth. No more lies, no more hiding, no more running, no more bullshit. I?m going to put everything out in the open, and then we?ll see. If he can?t love me then, so be it."

"I?m not just going to be ignored."

"I?m not normal."

"I?m not here for you, I couldn?t be less interested."

"I?m well aware there is no job more important than that of raising a child, but the problem is that it isn?t valued. Not in the sense that counts to me at the moment, which is financial."

"I?m still holding back, because obviously I can?t say everything I?m feeling. I know that?s the point of therapy, but I just can?t. I have to keep things vague,"

"I?ve always thought that it might be fun to be Catholic, to be able to go to the confessional and unburden yourself and have someone tell you that they forgive you, to take all the sin away, wipe the slate clean."

"I?ve been the fool. If he does it with you, he?ll do it to you."

"I?m stupidly pleased that he doesn?t like her, either; another thing we have in common, another thread to bind us."

"If he thinks I?m going to sit around crying over him, he?s got another thing coming. I can live without him, I can do without him just fine?but I don?t like to lose. It?s not like me. None of this is like me. I don?t get rejected. I?m the one who walks away."

"If he does it with you, he'll do it to you."

"If I can just learn how to hold on to this feeling, this one I'm having now - if I could just discover how to focus on this happiness, enjoy the moment, not wonder about where the next high is coming from - then everything will be all right."