George Carlin, fully George Denis Patrick Carlin

Carlin, fully George Denis Patrick Carlin

American Stand-up Comedian, Social Critic, Actor, and Author, won five Grammy Awards for his Comedy Albums

Author Quotes

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

When people say "Clean as a whistle," they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

Whenever I hear about a "peacekeeping force," I wonder if they're so interested in peace, why would they use force?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Why would someone spend his whole life doing something he couldn't wait to get away from?

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

You know, you'd think it'd be a fairly simple thing to come over to this continent, commit genocide, eliminate the forests, damm up the rivers, build our malls and massage parlors, sell our blenders and whoopi cushions, poison ourselves with chemicals, and let it go at that. But no. We have to compound the insult. Native Americans! I'm glad the Indians have gambling casinos now. It makes me happy that dimwitted white people are losing their rent money to the Indians. Maybe the Indians will get lucky win there country back. Probably they wouldn't want it. Look what we did to it.

What year did Jesus think it was?

When people say "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? (From "Ten things that piss me off")

Whenever I see a large crowd of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!

Why, why, why, why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't wanna fuck in the first place? Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren't they? They're all in favor of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once you're born, you're on your own. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don't want to know about you. They don't want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you're preborn, you're fine; if you're preschool, you're fucked. Conservatives don't give a shit about you until you reach 'military age'. Then they think you are just fine. Just what they've been looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. Pro-life... pro-life... These people aren't pro-life, they're killing doctors! What kind of pro-life is that? What, they'll do anything they can to save a fetus but if it grows up to be a doctor they just might have to kill it? They're not pro-life. You know what they are? They're anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman. They don't like them. They don't like women. They believe a woman's primary role is to function as a brood mare for the state.

You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down!

You learn something new every day. Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you just learned it, doesn't mean it's new.

Whatever happened to In victory, magnanimity; in defeat, defiance. So said Frederick the Great.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What should I eat, someone else's cake instead? (From "Ten things that piss me off")

Whenever someone tells me they're going to fix a chicken, I always think...maybe it isn't really broken. Maybe it just needs a little oil.

Why do we say "red-headed" but "brown-haired?"

With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.

You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah, usually they're already there. Isn't that nice? It's nice. It's convenient.

You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

When someone asks you what time it is, glance at your watch and say, "It's either six-fifteen or Mickey has a hard-on." Guaranteed they'll ask somebody else.

Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

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Carlin, fully George Denis Patrick Carlin
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American Stand-up Comedian, Social Critic, Actor, and Author, won five Grammy Awards for his Comedy Albums