Great Throughts Treasury

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."

"Sex can be fun after eighty, after ninety, and after lunch!"

"Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist."

"Sincerity - if you can fake that, you've got it made."

"Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years."

"The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"The happiest people I know are the ones that are still working. The saddest are the ones who are retired. Very few performers retire on their own. It's usually because no one wants them. Six years ago Sinatra announced his retirement. He's still working."

"Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles."

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible."

"There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone."

"There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed."

"There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men."

"There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children."

"This is all so exciting I've decided to keep making one movie every 36 years."

"This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two."

"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."

"Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh."

"We often think the way Gracie talks, but we pride ourselves that we never talk the way Gracie thinks."

"We had asked Jack Benny to give the bride away, but Jack said he never gave anything away."

"What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen."

"When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, "No... he's dead.''"

"When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out."

"When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile."

"When we played the back end of a horse we always knew that if we worked hard and did a good job we could become the front end."

"When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks."

"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."

"Yale men do not like to be told anything by people who didn't go to Yale. The closest I came to Yale was once I had one of their padlocks."

"You can't help getting older but you don't have to get old."

"When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights."

"With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink."

"Young. Old. Just Words."

"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there."

"You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made."