Great Throughts Treasury

"Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white."

"Orthography: The science of spelling by the eye instead of the ear."

"Ostrich, n. A large bird to which (for its sins, doubtless) nature has denied that hinder toe in which so many pious naturalists have seen a conspicuous evidence of design. The absence of a good working pair of wings is no defect, for, as has been ingeniously pointed out, the ostrich does not fly."

"Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic."

"Perseverance, n. A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success."

"Past, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing, beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one--the knowledge and the dream."

"Patriotism is as fierce as a fever, pitiless as the grave, blind as a stone, and irrational as a headless hen."

"Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit it is the first."

"Peyton Fahrquhar was dead; his body, with a broken neck, swung gently from side to side beneath the timbers of the Owl Creek bridge."

"Philosophy - A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing."

"Philanthropist. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket."

"Photograph, n. A picture painted by the sun without instruction in art."

"Phrenology, n. The science of picking the pocket through the scalp. It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is a dupe with."

"Phonograph, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises"

"Physician, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well."

"Pig, n. An animal (Porcus omnivorus) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig."

"Plague, n. Nature's fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless objectionableness."

"Pitiful, adj. The state of an enemy or opponent after an imaginary encounter with oneself."

"Plan, v. T. To bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result."

"Platitude, n. The fundamental element and special glory of popular literature. A thought that snores in words that smoke. The wisdom of a million fools in the diction of a dullard. A fossil sentiment in artificial rock. A moral without the fable. All that is mortal of a departed truth. A demi-tasse of milk-and-mortality. The Pope's-nose of a featherless peacock. A jelly-fish withering on the shore of the sea of thought. The cackle surviving the egg. A desiccated epigram."

"Platonic Love is a fool's name for the affection between a disability and a frost."

"Politics: The conduct of public affairs for private advantage."

"Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage."

"Potable, n. Suitable for drinking. Water is said to be potable; indeed, some declare it our natural beverage, although even they find it palatable only when suffering from the recurrent disorder known as thirst, for which it is a medicine. Upon nothing has so great and diligent ingenuity been brought to bear in all ages and in all countries, except the most uncivilized, as upon the invention of substitutes for water. To hold that this general aversion to that liquid has no basis in the preservative instinct of the race is to be unscientific?and without science we are as the snakes and toads."

"Positive, adj. Mistaken at the top of one?s voice."

"Poverty and zeal are an upper and a nether millstone. It is dangerous to make a third in that kind of sandwich."

"Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy."

"Prejudice, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support."

"Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope."

"Preference, n. A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the erroneous belief that one thing is better than another."

"Prescription, n.: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient."

"Projectile, n. The final arbiter in international disputes. Formerly these disputes were settled by physical contact of the disputants, with such simple arguments as the rudimentary logic of the times could supply ?the sword, the spear, and so forth. With the growth of prudence in military affairs the projectile came more and more into favor, and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous. Its capital defect is that it requires personal attendance at the point of propulsion."

"Proboscis, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork that evolution has as yet denied him."

"Quotation, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated."

"Proof, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to that of only one."

"Quote: Action repeating erroneously the words of another."

"Radium, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ that a scientist is a fool with."

"Radicalism, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the affairs of to-day."

"Railroad, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away from where we are to where we are no better off. For this purpose the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits him to make the transit with great expedition."

"Reality, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. That which would remain in the cupel if one should assay a phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum."

"Realism, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seen by toads. The charm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a measuring-worm."

"Rational, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection."

"Redemption, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religions, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it."

"Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable."

"Religions are conclusions for which the facts of nature supply no major premises."

"Resign, v. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage."

"Revelation, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing."

"Respirator, n. An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of an inhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in its passage to the lungs."

"Reverent title had previously been forced upon him by the religious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of the work had appeared, with the natural"

"Revolution - In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment."