Great Throughts Treasury

"If you were to go around asking people what would make them happier, you’d get answers like “a new car,” a bigger house,” “a raise in pay,” or “winning the lottery.” Probably not one in a hundred would say “a chance to help people,” and yet that is what brings about the most happiness of all."

"Be quick to learn and wise to know. "

"At home we ate fish every Friday, as Catholics were then supposed to do. Being Jewish, I compromised. I wore a hat when I ate fish, out of respect for my own religion and the fish's family."

"A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night."

"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."

"Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"Being an actor is easy, just picture someone in a room and you outside waiting for your cue to go in. Elliot Gould's been trying that for forty years."

"Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too."

"At my age, the only thing hot waiting for me in my dressing room is a bowl of soup."

"Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age."

"At my age flowers scare me."

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"

"Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives."

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house."

"Define your business goals clearly so that others can see them as you do."

"By [age] 93, I had shrunk quite a lot. My car was known as the Phantom Cadillac. People would see it whizzing by and they would swear there was no driver."

"By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it."

"Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your exercises. You can't wait to put on your clothes. You can't wait to get out - and you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot."

"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."

"Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don't wear anything else on it... like lunch or dinner."

"Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up."

"Fall in love with what you do for a living. I don't care what it is. It works."

"Grief and tragedy and hatred are only for a time. Goodness, remembrance and love have no end."

"For thirty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died."

"First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did."

"Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal and a good woman - or a bad woman. It all depends on how much happiness you can handle."

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family... in another city."

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."

"Happiness is a good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman... or a bad woman, depending on how much happiness you can stand."

"How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days."

"How can I die? I'm booked."

"I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it."

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."

"I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked."

"I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money."

"I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands."

"I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old."

"I find you have to take each day as it comes and be thankful for who's left and whatever you can still do."

"I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out ... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school."

"I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate."

"I get a standing ovation just standing."

"I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women."

"I lie a lot, but when I write about Gracie, I don't have to lie. The truth is unbelievable enough."

"I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch."

"I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life."

"I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself."

"I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else... I never lied better."

"I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries."

"I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something."

"I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something."